After life
Life goes on but it's not easy. With all the encouragement and support that has been offered by sistas and friends, i have moved a step into letting go. I thank god everyday for the friends i have around me...i know i have to walk the rest of this journey myself...but its always good to know there are some people who will just let you fall back on, not expect u to explain anything and just do silly things with...
of course of course....2 happy news before i start the deep emotional release....my "match-making" attempts CONFIRM 100% hit-rate liao....so congrats to the 4 friends of mine who has "found" one another in a stroke of fate/destiny...make it work....it only works HOW you make it work, if you know what I mean. Treasure each other and always walk together.
Just a quick update, last sat we had a talk (or I think i needed to hear the truth and feel the pain before i realise i can get the closure i need) and he just didnt seem to be able to show he cares at all. Behaved like he was treading around fragile grounds and was still in the "I dunno how to feel/what to do/ what i want" thing. I was so hurt, so hurt that he ran when the going was tough, so hurt that he cant express his feelings for me anymore (assuming it is still around...). He doesnt realise that it was tough for me too. But i am really sorry coz of my stress i in turn stressed him out. These were only temporary. Losing him is worse than any of those minute and non-consequential things i have been looking at. Blinders need to come off ger!!!!
Anyway i think i left coz he still keeps saying he doesnt know and i know he is very unstable, seemed like the sensible thing to do. Leave and get on the recovery path, lessen the pain for him and for me...
I miss him a lot, his voice, his smell, his jokes and how he humours me so much of the times. I know in a relationship it takes 2, i know it is not entirely my fault, I know what i did wrong and what i shd do now, so why cant he find it in him to let us do it again, has he lost his feelings? is there someone else already? It's so easy to fall onto someone else available and well....someone who has no demands on him. This rude wakeup call has made me realise what i want....it is him and how he just is...who is he to say that he CAN'T give me what i want and that he ISN'T the one for me? I think i shd be the one to determine that.
Now...it's just getting by day by day...trying not to think...doing what i gotta do and weekends well, both days spent at the beach....TRYING to play ball but sometimes thinking of him too....how he was so patient with me when we played together.
I don't know what will happen a few months down the road but i know i will still want to call him....go out...not say i have hope. honestly i am so afraid of hope...but i miss him till it's heart-wrenching....feel so breathless. I actually feel that i don't have hope but i know i will subconciously wait...
I have walked out of relationships before but it was always i walked out = i walked out for good. This time i know, i know....i still feel so much for him and really there was no real breakdown. these are issues that CAN be solved and faced together, why doesnt he want to just hold my hand on this and walk on equal footing out of this? I don't want to stress him anymore la...
Actually the spineless me made a call to him yday....hearing his voice gave me a high i think can be likened to the effects of certain drugs...all the colours around me like got vibrant and i felt like i actually saw flowers blooming around me....and i was just soooooo happy to hear his voice, dont really know how to describe it. he was very non-commital in what he said...i know he needs time to be able to deal with me again. There were 3 questions i wanted to ask him but didn't coz i know there will be no answers (or at least, no real HONEST answers):
- Do you still have feelings for me....for us?
- Can we give it a rest and try when we are ready later on down the road?
- Is there already someone else?
This blog is very much a let-lose thing now...it took me a while to be able to write these down without actually breaking down....i would write then like break down and cant continue but now i think its coming back to me. Don't think he gets to see this blog....didn't even let him know abt this.
Anyway on another note....Sentosa has a new attraction...the Luge...$5 for islanders..."normal" folks pay $8...hahaha....the ski lift ride to the top of the errr...hill/ lump/ notch...is very scenic and we think worth the $5. The luge ride...hahaha fun...think once you get the hang of it, you can attempt to "Drift" or even start our own VB-nuah league of Luge races? hmmm....
Before the ski lift ride...i hate my helmet! Coz of my "small" head i had to wear one of those kiddy ones with sharks and funny carton creatures ones...bleah...
On the ski lift....aiyo...it's such a filmsy and fragile looking thing....sweating my palms out on it....so high some more....see the view you can actually see from the ski lift!!! seeeeee....so bloody high!
Shit....just heard on the laylio...Nikon S1....selling at $540 at Comex (with $300+ worth of freebies)! shitzzzz bought mine at $620 lehhhhh....so all ya peeps who's eyeing it....go and get....cant get better than this? unless u are eyeing S2? hmmmm....
of course of course....2 happy news before i start the deep emotional release....my "match-making" attempts CONFIRM 100% hit-rate liao....so congrats to the 4 friends of mine who has "found" one another in a stroke of fate/destiny...make it work....it only works HOW you make it work, if you know what I mean. Treasure each other and always walk together.
Just a quick update, last sat we had a talk (or I think i needed to hear the truth and feel the pain before i realise i can get the closure i need) and he just didnt seem to be able to show he cares at all. Behaved like he was treading around fragile grounds and was still in the "I dunno how to feel/what to do/ what i want" thing. I was so hurt, so hurt that he ran when the going was tough, so hurt that he cant express his feelings for me anymore (assuming it is still around...). He doesnt realise that it was tough for me too. But i am really sorry coz of my stress i in turn stressed him out. These were only temporary. Losing him is worse than any of those minute and non-consequential things i have been looking at. Blinders need to come off ger!!!!
Anyway i think i left coz he still keeps saying he doesnt know and i know he is very unstable, seemed like the sensible thing to do. Leave and get on the recovery path, lessen the pain for him and for me...
I miss him a lot, his voice, his smell, his jokes and how he humours me so much of the times. I know in a relationship it takes 2, i know it is not entirely my fault, I know what i did wrong and what i shd do now, so why cant he find it in him to let us do it again, has he lost his feelings? is there someone else already? It's so easy to fall onto someone else available and well....someone who has no demands on him. This rude wakeup call has made me realise what i want....it is him and how he just is...who is he to say that he CAN'T give me what i want and that he ISN'T the one for me? I think i shd be the one to determine that.
Now...it's just getting by day by day...trying not to think...doing what i gotta do and weekends well, both days spent at the beach....TRYING to play ball but sometimes thinking of him too....how he was so patient with me when we played together.
I don't know what will happen a few months down the road but i know i will still want to call him....go out...not say i have hope. honestly i am so afraid of hope...but i miss him till it's heart-wrenching....feel so breathless. I actually feel that i don't have hope but i know i will subconciously wait...
I have walked out of relationships before but it was always i walked out = i walked out for good. This time i know, i know....i still feel so much for him and really there was no real breakdown. these are issues that CAN be solved and faced together, why doesnt he want to just hold my hand on this and walk on equal footing out of this? I don't want to stress him anymore la...
Actually the spineless me made a call to him yday....hearing his voice gave me a high i think can be likened to the effects of certain drugs...all the colours around me like got vibrant and i felt like i actually saw flowers blooming around me....and i was just soooooo happy to hear his voice, dont really know how to describe it. he was very non-commital in what he said...i know he needs time to be able to deal with me again. There were 3 questions i wanted to ask him but didn't coz i know there will be no answers (or at least, no real HONEST answers):
- Do you still have feelings for me....for us?
- Can we give it a rest and try when we are ready later on down the road?
- Is there already someone else?
This blog is very much a let-lose thing now...it took me a while to be able to write these down without actually breaking down....i would write then like break down and cant continue but now i think its coming back to me. Don't think he gets to see this blog....didn't even let him know abt this.
Anyway on another note....Sentosa has a new attraction...the Luge...$5 for islanders..."normal" folks pay $8...hahaha....the ski lift ride to the top of the errr...hill/ lump/ notch...is very scenic and we think worth the $5. The luge ride...hahaha fun...think once you get the hang of it, you can attempt to "Drift" or even start our own VB-nuah league of Luge races? hmmm....
Before the ski lift ride...i hate my helmet! Coz of my "small" head i had to wear one of those kiddy ones with sharks and funny carton creatures ones...bleah...
On the ski lift....aiyo...it's such a filmsy and fragile looking thing....sweating my palms out on it....so high some more....see the view you can actually see from the ski lift!!! seeeeee....so bloody high!
Shit....just heard on the laylio...Nikon S1....selling at $540 at Comex (with $300+ worth of freebies)! shitzzzz bought mine at $620 lehhhhh....so all ya peeps who's eyeing it....go and get....cant get better than this? unless u are eyeing S2? hmmmm....
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home