I saw something I shouldn’t have….itchy fingers dig lor….saw those damn notebooks in the box and couldn’t help but explored….contained sweet nothings and journal entries, idiotic right???? asking for it right???? Now i don't know how to tell him leh....so bad!

I understand that it was the past but they did affect me so much in many other ways:

· I don’t go through that much with him, we did not share much together esp the significant times of his life sob sob
· There’s so much that I don’t know about him
· He doesn’t share his daily things with me as he has with her so enthusiatically
· He doesn’t seem to be as affectionate with me as he is to her
· We share the same terms of endearment….sigh…I guess there can only be so many of those… L

There’s just an ache…how much he loved her….and yet….well it just didn’t work out. But it still hurts to see the past. I just cant help but get the feeling she was so IT…. And I have a long way to go and I am not even sure I can be even close to being sooooo IT!

I am so woman! Sigh….i am disgusted with myself but I do feel a bit empty and lost now. Whaz wrong with me, not IT then work lor….can’t expect to be IT right, so fast and well what matters is now right….just need to convince myself. Guess it really is not easy to face up to the past of your significant other.

Nowadays I want to help him in his next step but don’t know how and where to start, it all lies on the Navy now and it just feels so scary to be so no in control of the situation. I don’t want him to have to keep thinking, changing his mind or get sian with life... I can only be there…but it seems like he doesn’t really need me for much. Maybe it is good to not have to feel like the one with the pants. I must learn not to try to push things too much for efficiency. Sometimes I really don’t know how to “be there” when I am helpless…

I am writing out of sync, everything is so disorganised…think it is time for me to stop…