In my memory

It's such a cliche to say "you never know what you've got till you lose it." I now know the true feeling of realising this, the hard way with the passing of my brother.

I seem to have forgotten how to express myself anymore. It is hard to lose a brother and be suddenly put in the position to have to behave like all is well and push forward when all you really want to do is to be that lazy girl who hides away under the blanket. There's no more blanket. Now on, I have to be the pillar and the decision-maker and consultant for my parents. This fact have been highlighted over and over to ...BE STRONG BE STRONG...I know la...but I don’t think I can do as well as my brother has lor. And can I say...I am tired of being strong, can I just take some time to rest in someone's arms? Just for a minute and act WEAK for a minute...and cry and just REST? But honestly speaking, there are no strong arms at the moment...yes...there's God but maybe I still need the touch of another human being.

For the all my 28 years it has been my brother who has been steady and the decision maker, my discipline master...the one that makes sure his little sister need not think of anything much. He makes the decision I just support. He always hear me bitch… about heartless ex-boyfriends, work, life and always used God to be the answer to what I need in my life. He has bailed me out of many a jams. I really don’t think I can ask more from a brother.

I wished I have been able to do more for him. Why didn't he just talk to me/us. He always acts strong...so rendering of my listening ear/ services always ended up in nothing, he shares but just enough...just a little. So to me I wasn't really expecting him to talk to me much this time either.

There's a mix of so many emotions...I don't know how to feel...Angry, sad, guilty and the worse moments are when I feel nothing...How can I lose it so much but can no longer feel anything?

I don't know what I can do for my family...nothing I do will ever be good enough. I can only try and do my best. I feel like I'm 18 going on 38! Shucks...suddenly forced to grow up and be around for my family. It's not really been my "style", family commitments have never really been my thing or something I had to worry about.

How could he go just like that? Why? Too many questions that will be left unanswered. While the rest of my family embarks on the journey of searching for answers, I am just drifting above it all. There’s really no point is there? I don't know what it is they want to find.

I am just now a bundle of nothing...I know I have to move on... I have to do my best for the kids and everyone around me. There is more to life. Always be present, listen and observe. Treasure what is around us...

My brother... the loving father to all of us...I will miss you.