i had a dream

no trouble sleeping at all after a "hard-day" blading ... haha... and yes i did fall but it felt good to have my limbs all over the place while i hit the ground and then struggled to get up. it's true that the physical pain felt good at this time when mental and emo pain is so very high.

i slept like a baby for like over 8 hrs... sometime i would otherwise have problems doing, usually i would be up and restless pretty early, therefore the early morning runs on sat and sun was like superrrrr long.

but the sleep had bits and pieces of you everywhere... us at your place... u with your preppy look and us out... your smile... your smell. you were back to torment me. i woke up half expecting you to call me to say that last week was a joke.. you just meant to test me on how i deal with this kinda issues. i think i still have problems accepting it. sleep also sad... can't sleep also sad... don't know what to do now... how? how?

walk away

my only saving grace, gota leave myself that shred of dignity. it's been a week. it still feels like shit but i have to learn to apply the concept of WALK AWAY. not to break down and send you smses about my feelings, my lost-ness. it's the last thing you want to hear... who wants to feel guilty right?

hold my head as high as i can and walk away.

i've tried to return to normalcy this weekend. sat out with my bum-ball pals. thank god for them. i may not have been the best of company and not very "present" but it took away the agony of having to be alone and the thinking.. which evenually leads to the need/ urge to talk to you all over again.

one thing i can't get over... IS THERE REALLY SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME? an innocent question but its always there now... something must be...right? to make a fren turned partner walk away just like that? it's me... isn't it? that's why they keep walking away.

i'm scared you know... alone when i'm 40...50...60... i want to share my life with someone, someone who takes care of me, cares and shares my life back. i want to come home and talk about nothing-ness with someone, have a dinner and slum in front of the tv with. someone who will look at me like how i looked at you... adoration, admiration and an intense urge to hold on and not let go off, lest someone out there bites you...no no. you have no idea but it took me a lot to do that. i scared of being alone but i am now more scared of the pain i will have to go through again.

i am only left with this...this blog, to write about the pain and frustrations. i think in a year or two i will look back and laugh at this and i might even feel embarrassed but for now... it's hard to take the next step to continue my life the way it was. why did you have to come in and tell me all those blind promises that you did not mean?

i have only one road ahead of me now, no closure, no absolution, no answer... walk away and just leave you behind like another undesirable character, i wished i did not meet.

death without sentencing

how your face changed when you said what you said... really struck me hard, a 180-turn from look of love to look of ultimate despise. it wasn't even you at all... it seemed like another person speaking.

what is it that i did that was so bad that you changed over an hour, and not even giving me a chance to stand up for myself.

how could you just decide so fast...with 100% determination that there's no way?

things i wanted to add:

1) when i told you that i was really happy with you. i actually don't know how or what word to use to encapsulate the feeling of ultra safeness, security and happiness. you did not have to remind me that all relationships that i had before "sure have too..." yes they did but it was different. cz YOU were current... YOU were the now. YOU were a friend before a lover. i felt like me with you...and i knew i was 100% safe or at least i thought so.

2) truth does not hurt. it's YOUR about-turn that hurt me. your stubbornness not to listen or tell me what REALLY was on your mind. it felt like you got what you wanted and just brushed me off. it felt like i really meant nothing, that was the complete opposite in your behaviour in the past month. NOTHING... just another gf that you cannot get along with. no need to work too hard. no need to try. just give up and walk away. that's really easier for you right? 'Fess up i'm really just another girl to you, ain't that right? sure come across as so.

lost and empty? what do you know about lost and empty. thanks for caring huh... i think i have made things too easy for you. i'm too nice, even up to this stage i have just been too nice. letting you have it too easy.

JINXED

oh god... i posted this and it has come true. my blog is jinx-y. =( F%$^-ing-exactly-like how my hiroshima sunday went. 你比從前快樂

走在熙来攘往的街头 你不再牵箸我的手 小心翼翼将你小拍勾 泪也小心翼翼的流 有些事情你在瞒箸我 你终于还是开了口 淡淡一句还是朋友 失恋的心有如刀割 知道手后你不难过 你比从前快乐 那祝福的 话叫我如何 能够说的出口 那过往的欢乐是否褪色 想问你怎么舍得 不要在耳边再说你会想我

it was just too good to be true...

and yes... it is NOT TRUE.

it's over. no signs, no warnings, nuclear bomb dropped in less than 1 hour.

fundamental differences that i don't understand. not given a chance to fight or at least propose alternatives or solutions... death by hanging with no appeal.

zip... that's it... all over.

i knew it... the slap has come big and hard. i think i really jinxed it.

why why why why? it's hard to believe and hard to accept.

i hope to find my private idaho... disappear and find my paradise... away from the world of things i don't understand.

we is on tv!

=) happier than before...

i is in jay chou craze mood...been listening to all his good old songs, trying to get more in touch with his music and haha... start prep work for his concert... though i have NOOOO freaking idea when it will be. this particular track in his partners album struck me... *gulp* sad la, but it is a nice song. 你比從前快樂

走在熙来攘往的街头 你不再牵箸我的手 小心翼翼将你小拍勾 泪也小心翼翼的流 有些事情你在瞒箸我 你终于还是开了口 淡淡一句还是朋友 失恋的心有如刀割 知道手后你不难过 你比从前快乐 那祝福的 话叫我如何 能够说的出口 那过往的欢乐是否褪色 想问你怎么舍得 不要在耳边再说你会想我

happy...

i am very tempted to say that yes, i'm OVER THE MOON-ly delirously happy...that it feels really RIGHTTTTT... that you R what i am looking for... you make me feel safe/ protected and i needn't worry about the world - you have it all under your control

but i'm afraid

lest these words come back and deliver an awfully-deep and scarring slap

and that i might scare both of us into hiding in the dark and lazy world where this is all better avoided and left unsaid

i know it's just a fear and scepticism lingering that might or might not fade away but what really matters to me is that i took the step, it happened and well, i is doing me best! that one i guarantee. =B

but NOW, right NOW...it just REALLY feels awright... =B