i am a wimp

I was looking back at life and just feel that it is too cruel for normal phebians like us...how can something so fragile like us handle the pain of this world? So there must be god who is somehow magically sustaining us...and doing little things for us when we are asleep. So i just gotta keep my faith going that there is someone who is helping me through one of the toughest phase of my life.

Actually i think i am feeling better, i wonder if it's as i have become resigned to my fate...and just accepted that shit has happened and "so??" life goes on...the world is not gona stop turning for 3 mths to let you get over him.

I have been such a wimp dealing with with him...i simply give in. everytime i see him...all my feelings come flooding back 100-fold over my average daily experience. And everytime after i see him...there is "hope" and everytime within a week of the budding "hope"...he dashes it..."i really miss you too but i think we shdnt see each other anymore." "I don't know what to think about us and i am too tired to think...(so i am leaving it as it is)"

I HAVE TO PUT A STOP TO THIS...he is a man...he gets weak...he gives way and then i am the one who has to pick up the itty bitty pieces of my heart...and he...don't even have to answer to anything, do not even have the decency to really give me some thought and consideration...just some lame-ass excuse will do. why is he so cruel?

I do not hate him, i have not stopped thinking about him. everything just seems to bring him back on my mind. I have gotten used to being alone...spending time with the Web, movies, books...God...but his image, his smell, his precense is etched permanently on my mind...a scar that wouldn't heal.

To him...i am just a memory....a past.