The end of Sep

Today a lot of people reminded me...it's the last day of Sep...my time is up. All is to be "finished" by midnight today.

I hope i have not gotten too used to this bluesy, limbo and state of avoidance. I really do want to move on but inside it's really mixed. it's all one big rollercoaster ride, up to a mth plus on this rollercoaster ride, i still dunno how i ended up on it and why....and how to get off.

...with determination, patience, faith and belief i guess...

Guess I always thought we were good together...and took for granted...there was nothing really that great a problem that cannot be solved. In fact, now after all this reflection...i still think tho i may not be at fault, i could have done better but its sad that nobody's gona give me a chance anyway. still don understand why cannot just work it out again? WHY???

What element am I??

Your element is Rain: Sad, lonely, distant and
unique. You are quite distant from emotion and
people, but you have been made this way by one
thing or another. You are truly unique yet fail
to see it and are quite creative be it in art,
music, writing, ect.. You used to let people in
now you don't even bother to try, having been
hurt so many times in the past. Your attitude
is that you don't need anyone but yourself,
people are just trouble waiting to happen. But
you really do want to trust someone no matter
if you see it or not, deep down your waiting
for someone to come and set you free. This kind
of depression can turn dangerous, don't let
them get to you. Not everyone in the world will
hurt you. Humans are humans and are not
perfect. So most likely sooner or later you'll
meet someone who feels like you do and perhaps
your shell will eventually disappear.


.:-|What is your true element?|-:. -With Anime Pictures and detailed answers-
brought to you by Quizilla

What I have been up to...

hmmm....long time limbo didnt write anything at all on what's been going on. I guess getting back on track was the main thing on my mind.

Have had 1/2 successes....1/2 the time i feel ok the other 1/2 hmmm questionable.

have picked up wakeboarding again. cool! After 7 years...now i think i finally get the "hang" of it. In fact next week scehduled a half day wakeboard trip with some of the nuah-ers....with alcohol and junk food included! hahaha....

Other times i am catching up on movies i've always wanted to watch....list includes

- Spanglish (upcoming - have the disc but yet to start)
- Million dollar baby (upcoming - have the disc but yet to start)
- I Do! I Do (upcoming - have the disc but yet to start)
- The road home
- the recruit
- the day after tomorrow
- ....??....cant remember liao

Reading....my new found author of interest....Chris Manby, funny lady....shd chk out her books! :)

Weekends...other than wakeboarding...i have been trying to play more "proper" volleyballing...play more matches but i think i still suck but try la...have some fun and improve slowly.

Life goes on but i am still me....still feel the same abt things...

I'm in love with you
This ain't the honeymoon
Past the infatuation phase
Right in the thick of love
At times we get sick of love
It seems like we argue everyday
I know i misbehaved
And you made your mistakes
And we both got room left to grow
And though love sometimes hurts
I still put you first
And we'll make this thing work
But I think we should take it slow
We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
Cuz we're ordinary people
This ain't a movie no
No fairy tale conclusion
It gets more confusing everyday
Sometimes it's heaven sent
We head back to hell again
We kiss and we make up on the way
I hang up you call
We rise and we fall
And we feel just like walking away
But as our love advances
We take second chances
Though it's not a fantasy
I still want you to stay
Take it slow
Maybe we'll live and learn
Maybe we'll crash and burn
Maybe you'll stay, maybe you'll leave,
maybe you'll return
Maybe you'll never find
Maybe we won't survive
But maybe we'll grow
You never know baby you and I

September is almost ending

Sigh....work has been real busy....to add to the sadness... "sang gan" dear ol steph has left, today last day....cant help feeling sad....know that we were not like buddy-close but i think we had a lot of fun with a lot of nonsense....

will be going china on 9 oct....hope i don ever need to come back but yes i will be back...

"Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
Wake me up when september ends

Like my fathers come to pass
7 years has gone so fast
Wake me up when september ends

Here comes the rain again
Falling from the stars
drenched in my pain again
Becoming who we are

As my memory rests
But never forgets what I lost
Wake me up when september ends

Summer has come and passed
the innocent can never last
Wake me up when september ends

Ring out the bells again
Like we did when spring began
Wake me up when september ends"

why i loved him so much??...and still do...well we had the best of times and the worse...and he was the only one that made me wana work so hard at being with someone...since when did lengbu ever felt that way??

Therapy

Met up with good ol ange for dinner. Cream Bistro! Woo....long time never eat Aglio Olio from Cream...yums...they even revamped their menu somewhat, the aglio olio can now be served with this ravioli like pasta...stuffed with spinach....good! and the best thing, they added more greens this time round....gotta tell the chanel-ites man....and there's green tea tiramisu!! haven't tried it but looks good.

Managed to squeeze in a bit of retail therapy. Bought shoes, an indian skirt (i know i said i wouldn't buy anymore of these....) and a silver bag (very roomy, can squeeze my gadgets, notebook and novel)! look look...

The green one was just so cheerful looking, felt happy just looking at it and yes ange said they were the prettiest....and the white pair...just unique...each side one design and look at the colours, can match every damn thing!


I love this green Indian skirt, ange bought 1 too...it's "hang" enough and the print is sooooo nice...the silver bag, just funky and roomy. hahaha...

No matter what ange always prescribe retail therapy....so there...its done and i am still feeling good.

Another stupid thing

I called him today...again. His life is going so well. I am happy for him, started wondering why is it I am the one suffering so much and he is yet like moving on so well. Perhaps it is a sign for myself.

he keeps saying he will meet me ...one day...one day...

I miss him so much. I don't know what to feel now, so numb and yet i hear my heart crying. Just that the tears no longer come out.

But this conversation we had was nice...really...finding out how his work has been, his excitement about his new car...his bikes....meeting/ partying with his friends, his new boss and his bike excursions. this time without me.

I was telling my "angel" this afternoon. i really don't know what to do or feel anymore but one thing is certain i can't battle the need to talk to him when i want to so for now i will just keep doing what i do, when i need i will call him, share. i still care and i still feel...until one day i guess it will eventually die if it was really useless. I guess i will continue but let things come when they come. can't push it you know.

PS: i have been asked to give due credit to Mr Sim....for 50% of the success rate of "my" match-making "business"...hahaa...so there Mr Sim....you played a pivotal role too ok!

Something that struck a chord

Did I hear you right
Cause I thought you said
Let's think it over
You have been my life
And I never planned
Growing old without you

Shadows bleeding through the light
Where the love once shined so bright
Came without a reason
Don't let go on us tonight
Love's not always black and white
Haven't I always loved you?

But when I need you
You're almost here
And I know that's not enough
And when I'm with you
I'm close to tears
Cause you're only almost here

I would change the world
If I had a chance
Oh won't you let me
Treat me like a child
Throw your arms around me
Oh please protect me

Bruised and battered by your words
Dazed and shattered now it hurts
Haven't I always loved you

But when I need you
You're almost here
Well I never knew how far behind I'd left you
And when I hold you you're almost here
Well I'm sorry that I took our love for granted
And now I'm with you I'm close to tears
Cause I know I'm almost here
Only almost here

After life

Life goes on but it's not easy. With all the encouragement and support that has been offered by sistas and friends, i have moved a step into letting go. I thank god everyday for the friends i have around me...i know i have to walk the rest of this journey myself...but its always good to know there are some people who will just let you fall back on, not expect u to explain anything and just do silly things with...

of course of course....2 happy news before i start the deep emotional release....my "match-making" attempts CONFIRM 100% hit-rate liao....so congrats to the 4 friends of mine who has "found" one another in a stroke of fate/destiny...make it work....it only works HOW you make it work, if you know what I mean. Treasure each other and always walk together.

Just a quick update, last sat we had a talk (or I think i needed to hear the truth and feel the pain before i realise i can get the closure i need) and he just didnt seem to be able to show he cares at all. Behaved like he was treading around fragile grounds and was still in the "I dunno how to feel/what to do/ what i want" thing. I was so hurt, so hurt that he ran when the going was tough, so hurt that he cant express his feelings for me anymore (assuming it is still around...). He doesnt realise that it was tough for me too. But i am really sorry coz of my stress i in turn stressed him out. These were only temporary. Losing him is worse than any of those minute and non-consequential things i have been looking at. Blinders need to come off ger!!!!

Anyway i think i left coz he still keeps saying he doesnt know and i know he is very unstable, seemed like the sensible thing to do. Leave and get on the recovery path, lessen the pain for him and for me...

I miss him a lot, his voice, his smell, his jokes and how he humours me so much of the times. I know in a relationship it takes 2, i know it is not entirely my fault, I know what i did wrong and what i shd do now, so why cant he find it in him to let us do it again, has he lost his feelings? is there someone else already? It's so easy to fall onto someone else available and well....someone who has no demands on him. This rude wakeup call has made me realise what i want....it is him and how he just is...who is he to say that he CAN'T give me what i want and that he ISN'T the one for me? I think i shd be the one to determine that.

Now...it's just getting by day by day...trying not to think...doing what i gotta do and weekends well, both days spent at the beach....TRYING to play ball but sometimes thinking of him too....how he was so patient with me when we played together.

I don't know what will happen a few months down the road but i know i will still want to call him....go out...not say i have hope. honestly i am so afraid of hope...but i miss him till it's heart-wrenching....feel so breathless. I actually feel that i don't have hope but i know i will subconciously wait...

I have walked out of relationships before but it was always i walked out = i walked out for good. This time i know, i know....i still feel so much for him and really there was no real breakdown. these are issues that CAN be solved and faced together, why doesnt he want to just hold my hand on this and walk on equal footing out of this? I don't want to stress him anymore la...

Actually the spineless me made a call to him yday....hearing his voice gave me a high i think can be likened to the effects of certain drugs...all the colours around me like got vibrant and i felt like i actually saw flowers blooming around me....and i was just soooooo happy to hear his voice, dont really know how to describe it. he was very non-commital in what he said...i know he needs time to be able to deal with me again. There were 3 questions i wanted to ask him but didn't coz i know there will be no answers (or at least, no real HONEST answers):

- Do you still have feelings for me....for us?
- Can we give it a rest and try when we are ready later on down the road?
- Is there already someone else?

This blog is very much a let-lose thing now...it took me a while to be able to write these down without actually breaking down....i would write then like break down and cant continue but now i think its coming back to me. Don't think he gets to see this blog....didn't even let him know abt this.

Anyway on another note....Sentosa has a new attraction...the Luge...$5 for islanders..."normal" folks pay $8...hahaha....the ski lift ride to the top of the errr...hill/ lump/ notch...is very scenic and we think worth the $5. The luge ride...hahaha fun...think once you get the hang of it, you can attempt to "Drift" or even start our own VB-nuah league of Luge races? hmmm....

Before the ski lift ride...i hate my helmet! Coz of my "small" head i had to wear one of those kiddy ones with sharks and funny carton creatures ones...bleah...


On the ski lift....aiyo...it's such a filmsy and fragile looking thing....sweating my palms out on it....so high some more....see the view you can actually see from the ski lift!!! seeeeee....so bloody high!


Shit....just heard on the laylio...Nikon S1....selling at $540 at Comex (with $300+ worth of freebies)! shitzzzz bought mine at $620 lehhhhh....so all ya peeps who's eyeing it....go and get....cant get better than this? unless u are eyeing S2? hmmmm....